Issue 13: Can't Stop Bi-ing Stuff đ€Ș
On capitalism, dopamine, and "straight fluidity." (Feat. a guest essay by Two Bi Guys' Rob Cohen)!
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Happy almost October, angels! You know what that means: Itâs time to WAKE UP!!!!
Did I mention MY FUCKING BOOK comes out NEXT FUCKING WEEK? (Just to warn you, there are gonna be a lot of capital letters in this emailâbrace yrself.) Currently Iâm incredibly overwhelmed with all things book launch. I feel like a broken record because all I talk about these days is bisexuality and Greedy and bisexuality and Greedy and bisexuality and Greedy. Though sometimes, just to switch things up, I also talk about how tired I am from talking about those things! (Lucky you!!)
If youâve already preordered my book you can skip this paragraphâconsider it your free gift with purchase. đ If you havenât yet, please know that preordering would truly mean the world and would make a huge difference for me and my work. (I barely get any royalties from sales, so supporting early and sharing widely is the best way to support me!) The book is less than $20, which means itâs not as expensive as if I were to drag you to my improv show or something. No two drink minimums here!!! But also: If you canât part with $20 for this right now, that is 10000% fine and you can ignore this paragraph free of charge! (I hope to offer a book donation campaign once the launch settles down, so stay tuned!)
ANYWAY. Todayâs newsletter features a guest essay from Two Bi Guysâ Rob Cohen (he/him), which you can read below! Iâm such a massive fan of Robâs work, and feel lucky that I got to join him on his pod a few days ago. Our convo hit its stride and we covered so much ground, especially about subjects I donât normally discuss (fetishization, bisexual men, being bi4bi, identifying as nonbinary). You can (and should) listen here!
But before we get into Robâs powerful words, I want to talk about something vapid!!! That is: SHOPPING. For some reason I feel ~*vulnerable*~ admitting this, but Iâve always had a âshopping addictionâ (which is a catchier way of saying, âIâve never been oppressed by classism and have had the privilege of ignoring that entire system for the majority of my life. Iâm spoiled, vain, and far too obsessed with myself. TL;DR: Iâm the problem with this country.â
Some people with âshopping addictionsâ tend to buy things that are good for them, and sureâI do buy way too many books. But I also buy clothes. Lots of them. I always have. And theyâve always been âexpensiveâ clothes, whatever âexpensiveâ means relative to my financial state at the time. At one point it meant buying a single $25 vintage tee on Etsyâtoday, itâs me seriously considering these damn $100 Maisie Wilen sweats. I clicked into MWâs latest email while I was trying to write this newsletter, at first not even noticing the ironyâthe only thing I have less of than discipline is self-awareness. đ
Annoyingly, Iâd say that âjust out of my price rangeâ has been my exact price range for the past fifteen years. Even when I get a raise or a bonus at work, the cost of the clothes I seek out seems to increase incrementally. Itâs impossible to escape, and keeps me from turning any of my career milestones into substantial savings for my future.
And thatâs capitalism in a nutshell, isnât it? Everything we want is always out of reach. If it were within reach, we wouldnât want it! Maybe thatâs why resistance can take the form of learning how to be content with where we are and who we are. (And once weâve done that: Being able to redistribute even more of our funds than we already do.)
Iâve tried to stop consuming as much, but have had little success. This past year has been worse than usualâIâm lucky to have maintained a full time job throughout the pandemic, but Iâve wasted far too much of my income on FaShUnNn, hoping it might make me âfeel cuteâ . . . even though I have nowhere to go.
The other day my partner referred to pandemic shopping as a dopamine hit, and though it was a casual aside, it fucked me up!! I realized my shopping habit had become my makeshift solution for the hellscape that is our world right nowâclothes and purses are always beautiful, unlike my life! I long for an escape, and capitalism, always the empath, gives me hope for one. When life feels pointless, I tap on Instagram ads, thinking, âMaybe these over-the-knee boots will make it all go away!â
I havenât curbed my bullshit yet, but maybe admitting is the first step? Itâs tough to find the line because I do deeply love fashion, and any newly purchased artifact does grant me a long-lost spirit of play (at least for a few days). But to view my habit in context of the world rn helps me realize just how emotional my shopping has become. I hate consumption, and I hate myself for being the kind of person who freebases Ssense sales to get her rocks off, but at the same time I look SO FUCKING CUTE in my new white Docs and not even capitalism can take that away from me!!!
This is why Iâm torn: The feeling of looking hot is EXTREMELY powerful, especially now, while most of us are still wasting away indoors. I need to separate the idea of looking great from the idea of consumption, especially as I roll into my book launch next week, throughout which I DEMAND to look fine as hell. (I already bought two new outfits, but since this is my first book launch ever, Iâm just gonna say I deserved them đ).
Iâd love your tips: What free things have helped you fall back in love with yourself? What zero cost ritual makes you feel sexy and powerful as hell? Leave your thots in the comments or reply to this email.
Last but not least, I love you! And, since this is easier to say to someone else than to myself: Youâre hot!!! With or without SS22 Eckhaus Latta. đ
Everyoneâs NOT Bi
But maybe theyâre not so straight either.
Words by guest contributor Rob Cohen
Lately Iâve been struggling with something that, on its face, seems like a good thing: Iâve met more and more guys who are open-minded about their sexuality, expressing some degree of fluidity and attraction to more than only women.
Some are starting to notice their interest in nonbinary or genderfluid people. Others are opening up about their sexual fantasies and experiences with other men, even if they only want romantic relationships with women. Some of these men eschew labels entirely, getting more comfortable with emotional bonding and physical intimacy, even among âfriends.â
Yet many of these men still identify as âstraight.â
Though I now proudly identify as bi (and host a podcast about male bisexuality), I still see myself in a lot of âopen-mindedâ straight-identified guys. I identified that way through my late 20s, when I finally started to acknowledge to myself that I was curious about men. For a few years, I explored sexual experiences with men and still called myself âstraight.â
And I wasnât aloneâfar from it. Just open Grindr, any time, any place, and youâre bound to come across at least a few âmostly-straight,â âDLâ (âdown lowâ) or âdiscreetâ guys, with profiles including phrases like âstr8 but curious,â âhave a girlfriend,â or âlooking for no-strings-attached fun.â (And trust me, they can find itâeasily.)
To me, all of this behavior falls under the bi+ umbrella, which brings up the question: Why donât these guys just come out as bi?
After all, I did! As hard as it was, for me, coming out was necessary and ultimately liberating. But the years leading up to that -- and even some negative experiences after -- helped me understand exactly why many guys donât come out. The number one reason: bisexual men are often seen as âreally gayâ, and as a result, many guys fear that they wonât be able to date women anymore (a very real fear, which played out for me with multiple women after I came out).
Beyond that, there are countless stereotypes and misunderstandings surrounding bisexualityâi.e. that all bi people are polymorous, hypersexual, greedy, unfaithful, or confusedâwhich bi men can avoid by passing for straight. And some guys are already in a relationship or marriage that they donât want to risk losing by coming out, especially if their partner is closed-minded or outright homophobic.Â
But over time, I personally found that the âbenefitsâ of passing were not worth the costs. Keeping that part of myself hidden by maintaining a straight identity only compounded the shame I felt about my same-sex attractions, even though the experiences themselves were mostly positive (and, I was surprised to find, quite similar to my prior experiences with women). Coming out as bisexual helped me integrate the various parts of myself I had been compartmentalizing.
But I ultimately did it because I felt a responsibility to other queer people who didnât feel safe to come out yet. I wanted to explain to those people, those âstraightâ menâ especially those in positions of privilege, whose safety wouldnât be compromised by coming outâthat actively avoiding a âbiâ identity contributes to a never-ending cycle of bi erasure and biphobia. That saying nothing actually causes harm.
Iâve discussed this issue on my podcast, in two episodes with Dr. Jane Ward, author of Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men. According to Dr. Ward, âThe first characteristic of white straight-identified men's sex with men is that [they] have the privilege to control the narrative, so that they have been able to argue this isn't sex at all. This is hazing, this is boys will be boys, this is a joke, this is wrestling, this is drunken shenanigans... That's actually how a lot of this kind of contact looks for straight-identified white men⊠[Thatâs] precisely why it's often hard to locate straight white men's sexual fluidity, or why it has been so invisible⊠People are very defensive about it.â
In response, some listeners were upset that we referred to these men as âstraight.â Even if these men self-identify that way, the listeners asked, isnât that a response to their own internalized homophobia (or to their fear of discrimination or losing privilege)? And if same-sex attractions and behavior are included in the definition of âstraight,â what does straightness even mean anymore? Is it just boat shoes, jello shots, and singing âMr. Brightsideâ at karaoke?
To answer these questions, we must understand three seemingly-contradictory truths about sexualityâbut as a bi person, I have gotten very used to multiple seemingly-contradictory things being true at once.
Truth #1: Sexuality is a spectrum. While some people are on the ends â exclusively heterosexual or homosexual â an increasing number are somewhere in the middle. And current research is finding that the largest-growing group is âmostly-straightâ people, 1s and 2s on the Kinsey Scale (from 0 to 6).
Truth #2: Though our attractions and internal thoughts are not a choice, we all do get to choose our own labels for our sexuality and gender, and those choices should be respected on an individual level. When someone tells you who they are, believe and accept them â just as you would want to be believed and accepted, even while youâre still figuring things out.
Truth #3: Bisexuality is all about embracing fluidity. Bi+ people understand that not only can our attractions and behaviors change over time, but our labels can change over time, too.
So, knowing this, what do we do with these âmostly-straightâ guys? Do we embrace their fluidity within a straight identity? Or should we push them toward coming out as bisexual?
The answerâof courseâis that we have to do both.
We have to remember that itâs still incredibly hard to come out as queer. You are likely to face real-world discrimination in various areas of your life. You can lose relationships, friendships, jobs, and other support networksânot to mention the specific biphobic assumptions people will make if you come out as bi, pan, or fluid.
But we also have to acknowledge that itâs hardâand harmful to oneâs healthâto stay closeted. Some think life is âeasierâ if you can pass for straight, but itâs not easy to hide part of yourself, to compartmentalize, to self-censor. These guys pass for straight despite the toll it takes (whether they realize theyâre suffering or not).
So we need to have compassion. We need to meet people where they are and give them the space to explore their sexuality on their own terms. We have to trust that they will take each step when theyâre ready â and if theyâre not, we must respect that choice.
But at the same time, we should welcome them to queerness safely when theyâre ready. We need to talk about the benefits of coming out, both for oneself and for the community. Bi+ people â especially bi men â need to be visible (if we can do so safely), proud and authentic with both the joys and struggles of queerness.
When sexually fluid men (or sexually fluid people of any gender, really) continue to outwardly identify as straight, itâs both completely understandable and detrimental to the types of connections and community that we need to build. Itâs almost a âdefaultâ action of societal heteronormativity and a lack of action that makes all queer people feel more alone.
Thatâs why we have to talk about increasing fluidity within straightness, without judging those who choose that label, and we need to make bisexuality & fluidity more visible and better understood. We can, and must, do both at the same time.
Luckily, thatâs a very bi thing to do.
Thank you so much for reading and subscribing to The Bi Monthly! I love you and Iâm so grateful youâre here!
As mentioned up top, this newsletter has a paid optionâif youâd like to support this work directly, feel free to subscribe. Paid subscriptions help me support guest creators, so we can have more pieces and perspectives (like the above!)Â đ„łđ„łđ„ł