Hello my loves! Iām so glad youāre here! Thank you for reading, subscribing, and getting up to speed on the Hilaria Baldwin appropriation saga (including this part)!
This is Issue 4, Decemberās second installment of The Bi Monthly. (Iām aware itās already pushing January, but donāt @ me. Thatās why this newsletter is still free.) So far Iāve been dropping new issues twice a month, every other month. This timing was inspired by a definition dispute, and was probably only funny to Merriam-Webster and myself. Itās already time for a change.
The updated newsletter cadence shall be as follows: Iām taking off January to finish my book (though you can still expect a quick lil interim issue, because apparently, if I donāt send out one of these puppies each month, Substack will deliver me back into your spam š). On February 1, Iāll start doing this newsletter 1x a month. This way itās still bi, and still monthly! BULLETPROOF LOGIC. Barring stress-related timing shifts, you should find this newsletter in your inbox (or promotions folder) the same day your rent is due (or the same day your rent strike action takes place).
If you have a problem with that, Iām gonna tell you same thing I told my partner when I lost my sex drive at the beginning of quarantine: Coming once a month is more than enough. š
I included a lot of media recommendations in Issue 3, and I got a few responses from readers wondering why these shows were featuredāwas it because these shows/movies/songs were LGBTQ+ or bi-friendly in some way? Alas, the answer is no: I just included them because I liked themātheyāre only ābi-friendlyā in the sense that Iām a bisexual and they helped fend off my quarantine-induced existential dread. Sure, some of these reccos featured queer stories, but thatās not the point: At the end of the day, this newsletter is just a vessel for me to share about stuff I think is worthwhile, and for you to listen if you want. š
Of course, I value your opinions (and live for your approvalāno sarcasm), so sometimes the stuff I want to talk about happens to be the same stuff you want me to talk about. A few weeks ago, I did a story on Instagram asking what subjects you wanted me to focus on, and to my surprise, a lot of you said writing!
In one of the first writing classes I ever took, I learned that writers should avoid the subject of writingāthis subject, my instructor said, will only appeal to other writers; itās too āinside baseballā for anyone else to care.
This might be true, but damn, is this advice fun to ignore! Writing about writing is a strange release. Itās like bringing up a very specific meme at a party and having the entire room be like, āHell yeah, I love @weteggs!ā
As a compromise, Iāll talk about writing, but will attempt to make it palatable for ~the masses~ by putting it in the hoi polloi of formats: a bulleted list.
Hereās a few things Iāve learned while working on my book:
People say, āYou should sit in front of your computer to write every day, even if you donāt put any words down.ā The people who say this are annoying, mostly because they are right.
Showing up is the most important part of the work. Itās also the hardest.
Joan Didion famously said, āI write to figure out what I think.ā This is good advice, but if one follows it directly, oneās writing will be rambly, and we canāt all ramble like Joanie D. Thatās whyā¦
Great writing is often just great editing.
Most writing advice urges you to get your first draft on paper (they sometimes call it a āvomit draftāācharming) and then return to edit it later. I canāt do this. Maybe itās my ADHD, but I have to edit as I write, which means it takes me forever to finish anything. It means Iāll waste time finessing the syntax or tense of paragraphs that I might delete entirely. But it also means that, when the words are done, theyāre really doneāor at least in good enough shape to leave my hard drive. I was self-conscious about not using the vomit draft approach until I heard that queen Maggie Nelson pulled the same stunts. Moral: Find what works for you.
Read as much as you can. Read the things you love most twice.
Rest matters. (This is not an original thought by any meansādo yourself a favor and follow @thenapministry.) I had less than 90 days to finish my manuscript (less than 30 at this point), and my ADHD Coach still pushed me to take time off every Saturday. That rest has been critical for rejuvenating my braināSunday, I return to the page with fresh eyes and a more unbiased opinion (I still hate everything Iāve written, but at least Iām kinder to myself about it). Itās much easier to kill your darlings when youāve stepped away from the page; when you canāt remember how much time you spent trying to make them work.
Sometimes words feel different based on where youāre writing them. For example: If youāre drafting a piece in a Word doc but find yourself struggling to sound casual enough, try writing it in a text message, your Notes app, or an email. Or, hellāgo analog! Whip out a notebook! Write it in Sharpie on your forearm! The world is yours.
Font matters much like grammar doesāit becomes part of the user experience of the text. (Side note: If you have examples of books that use fonts in an interesting way, to denote texting or something elseāpls send! Iām intrigued!)
Most pieces of published writing require SO much research. I have a new respect for every author Iāve ever learned from, because now I know that they probably spent hours in the library, pouring over obscure details about a 1972 murder trial, just to deliver accurate information in a bite-sized format.
Einstein said, āIf you canāt explain it simply, you donāt understand it well enough.ā I literally read an entire book about porn just to write one line. Iām sure this is what he meant.
My friend and fellow Atria Books author Finola Austin recommended the word processor Scrivener, and it has absolutely saved my life. Great if youāre working on something long-form and want to visualize it all laid out.
The title of this newsletter issue is based on Bird by Bird by Annie Lamott, a book that approximately six million people recommended to me after I announced I was working on Greedy. I havenāt read it yet (if Iām being honest, I downloaded the kindle sample, then decided not to pay for the full version upon finding out Lamott was a white lady with dreads), but found some of these highlighted quotes to be helpful.
Stephen King talks about the need for an āideal reader,ā since itās much easier to write for one person than for the entire world. My ideal reader often varies from piece to piece, but for some reason, the most consistent person I care about impressing is someone who will likely never read my work: memoirist Mary Karr. Karr often talks about ācarnalityā in memoir as a way to unlock vivid detail, saying the reader should be able to know how your past looked, smelled, sounded, felt, and tasted. She also wrote this piece on it, citing a few perfect Maya Angelou examples. Worth a read.
Unfortunately a lot of my favorite quotes about writing can be attributed to Hemingway. For a while I wanted to get them tattooed on me, but my good friend Eden told me this was āproblematic man energy,ā so I will just cite them here instead. The first quote reminds me how to move forward when a draft has me stuck: āAll you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence you know.ā The second acts as reassurance; a reminder that yes, it should be this hard: āThere is nothing to writingāall you do is sit down at a typewriter, and bleed.ā
Monosexism and YOU
[cw: mentions of domestic abuse, sexual assault, mental health, biphobia, and su-c-de]
In that aforementioned IG story where I solicited topic suggestions, a few of you asked for a deep dive into monosexism. The rest of you are probably now wondering what the hell monosexism is. But all of you should forgive me for this terrible joke about the harm of binary thinking:
There are two types of people in the world: those who understand monosexism and those who donāt. š
Monosexism is the idea that everyone is attracted to just one gender. Itās a system of oppression you might not have heard of, and itās probably affecting you whether you identify as bi or not.
Monosexism is the dominant way we perceive sexuality (for context, āgayā and āstraightā are both monosexual identities). Itās why a bi woman dating a man is usually assumed to be straight, or why a bi man dating a man is usually assumed to be gay. Thereās a reason Iām not mentioning non-binary people right now, because, monosexism is, essentially, just another binary system that erases anyone in the in-between. It encourages us to pick one thing and stick to it, and to only see others through that lens.
Monosexism oppresses people who donāt identify as completely gay or completely straightāpansexual people, sexually fluid people, and/or bisexuals (among others). At first, the word āoppressā might seem like a strong one, but the stats donāt lie:
A California study showed that bisexual men earn 10-15% less than straight men, while gay men earned 2-3 percent less.
Nearly half of bisexual women report being survivors of r*peāthatās almost three times the number of straight women who report it (17%).
Bisexual women are more than twice as likely as lesbians to live in poverty (17.7 percent vs. 7.8 percent).
39% of bisexual men donāt tell health care providers about their sexual orientation (compared to 10% of gay men and 12% of lesbians), resulting in inaccurate information.
61 percent of bisexual women have experienced intimate partner violence, compared to 35 percent of straight women and 43 percent of lesbians.
Bisexual people have higher risk of alcohol and substance abuse than straight, gay, or lesbian people.
A Canada study showed that 45.5 percent of bisexual women reported su*c*dality, compared to 9.6 percent of straight women and 29.5 percent of lesbians.
And stats about the non-binary bisexual community are very, very hard to find.
All above stats are from either Shiri Eisnerās Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution or this Psychology Today article.
At first, these numbers shocked me. I believed them, but still wanted to figure out why they were true. What role did bisexuality play? Was it just a coincidence? Sure, there was correlation, but didnāt that one almost-hot Statistics T.A. tell me to seek out causation instead?
I did some more research, and it turns out that the majority of stats about identity-based discrimination follow a similar format. For example: LGBTQ+ people are 120% more likely to experience homelessness. Does this stat explain the correlation, or tell us why this devastating truth is so much more likely for queer people? No. But itās easy to infer a slew of potential reasons: discrimination, family conflict, poverty, and so on.
So why donāt we accept these correlated stats about bisexuality in the same way?
The answer is frustratingly simple: Biphobia. First, bi erasure makes us discredit the impact of bisexual identityāit makes us wary that bisexuality could be significant enough to actually affect someoneās mental well-being, closeness with a partner, or personal stability. Then bi invisibility makes it hard for us to get the data we need to prove our point (the most comprehensive research study about bisexual peopleās well-being was called The Bi Invisibility Report, and it happened in 2011).
Sometimes people use the words biphobia and monosexism interchangeably. Itās a bit more complex: Monosexism is the system, biphobia is a result of the system.
But biphobia is also the most prominent way we interact with the system. Itās the reason bi people often think itās not āworth itā to come out. Itās the reason non-bi people often say āoh, everyoneās bisexual!ā as a silencing technique. (Note: I actually do think many people with monosexual identities are probably more sexually fluid than they may let on or realize, but I see that as a reason we should talk about bisexuality & other multisexual identities even more.) [This paragraph was updatedāthank you to @aaakkkkk and @justjillianward who helped me realize I needed to tweak this wording!])
For most of my life, my internalized biphobia manifested as a huge concern that my sexuality didnāt matter enough, and talking about it would mean unnecessarily taking up space. Of course, there are many reasons I shouldnāt take up spaceāIām white, cisgender, non-disabled, relatively thin, and have a significant amount of class privilege. Itās essential to be cognizant of that, and when I say essential, I mean literally essential, considering that none of these systems will get dismantled unless this fight centers trans & intersex people in Black, brown, & Native communities.
But if anyone can sit with multiple truths, itās bi people. Itās possible to recognize our other privileges AND see our bisexual identities as valid. Itās possible to acknowledge other systems of oppression AND also acknowledge monosexismāthe fact that it still causes harm, and the fact that we donāt talk about it enough.
Remember above when I said that even if youāre not bi, monosexism impacts you? Time to close the loop on that cliffhanger: Monosexism impacts everyone because all systems of oppression affect both those they oppress and those they benefit.
Take patriarchy, for example. It famously holds back women and invalidates non-binary people, but it does plenty of damage to men too. Patriarchy implies that men need to act a certain wayāin Western countries, being āa manā usually means being athletic, having sex with women, and making lots of money. What if youāre a poor man, or a fat man, or man who likes to have sex with men. Are you still a man?
Monosexism contributes to the oppression of anyone with a fluid sexuality, yes, but even if you are gay or straight, monosexism holds you back. In the same sense that kids shouldnāt have to decide the rest of their life when theyāre 18, no one should be forced to select one gender theyāll date for the rest of their lives. Who wants that pressure to āchoose rightā?
Imagine if we treated fluidity as natural. Imagine if we had high expectations, not of our own abilities to squeeze into predetermined boxes, but of the ranges of our sexual imaginations themselves. Imagine if we were encouraged to play around with, sleep with, and fall in love with whoever we really, truly desired. (Sure, that might end up being one gender, but at least then we would know it was our choice.)
Monogamy would crumble. Gender roles would shatter. Binary thinking would disappear.
And everything else would open up.
Follow This Bisexual: Travon Free
Each issue Iāll be highlighting (bilighting?) a bi or bi plus-identifying creator you should be paying attention to. Have someone to suggest? Leave a comment on this post. š
Travon Free (@travon) is another Very Online Bisexualā¢ļø, but he is infinitely more impressive than me. He has multiple Emmys and is currently working on a show with Issa Rae about bisexual men, focusing on Black masculinity and the Black queer community.
Come for the award-winning comedy. Stay for the important tweets about COVID and social justice.
5 Links U Should Click
This ode to the queer bars that have fallen during the pandemic, which also calls out your faves that might still be at risk.
This interview with Mariame Kaba and Jasmine Duffy-Rice about what accountability looks like. A pull quote from Danielle Sered that I canāt stop thinking about: āAccountability is the corollary to grief for those of us who are responsible for harm, and it is as essential as a grieving process is in restoring us to our best selves.āĀ
This ADHD seminar for couples that my partner and I are considering attending to gain more tools for dealing with my ADHD during quar. (Itās bad yāall!)
This article from a few weeks ago about the shift toward āunsharingā (featuring a perfect tweet by @KaraRBrown).
My 2020 gift guide, featuring small businesses owned by Black, Indigenous, Latinx, Asian, queer, and trans folks. I know itās basically NYE already, but if someone got you a check for Hanukkah, you know where to spend it!
Thatās all for this Issue! TYSM for reading The Bi Monthlyāas I mentioned above, Iām so grateful youāre here. š„°
At the risk of sounding desperate: One of my goals for 2021 is to get this newsletter list to 20k, and to do that I need your help! Please consider becoming a subscriber today if youāre not one already. Enter your email below or forward this issue to a friend! ā¤ļø
This. Yessss.
āImagine if we treated fluidity as natural. Imagine if we had high expectations, not of our own abilities to squeeze into predetermined boxes, but of the ranges of our sexual imaginations themselves. Imagine if we were encouraged to play around with, sleep with, and fall in love with whoever we really, truly desired. (Sure, that might end up being one gender, but at least then we would know it was our choice.)ā